The FYI’s Divorce Support Toolkit
This toolkit was developed by Madiha Tahseen, Ph.D., Youmna Ansari, B.A., Fatma Gdoura, B.A., Jude El-Buri, B.A, and designed by Sarrah AbuLughod, M.A. This toolkit was also vetted by Rafee Al-Mansur, M.S., MFT-R, and Amal Killawi, LCSW. This project was supported by a generous grant from Dar Al-Hijra. We pray that you find it beneficial.
Getting a divorce as an American Muslim may come with many challenges and little help or support on how to navigate them. Lack of guidance may amplify the emotional and physical toll of the divorce process on you and your loved ones, and lack of support may leave you feeling unsure where to turn.
However, with appropriate support and direction, divorce does not need to feel so difficult and stigmatized. Such support can allow you to properly address some of the issues that may challenge you as you go through this process such as co-parenting, a new reality regarding finances, and managing the stigma you may face from your community. Proper guidance and preparation can also help mitigate the negative effects of divorce on your life, faith, and spirituality.
This toolkit provides resources and practical tips on maneuvering through a divorce, regardless of what stage you are in.
Note: To create this toolkit, The FYI team selected relevant resources from a variety of platforms while keeping cultural and religious sensitivities in mind. Other content, views, and opinions expressed on these platforms do not necessarily reflect the vision and views of The FYI. Some resources in this toolkit were developed by individuals who are not licensed counselors, such as content writers and personal coaches. While still incredibly helpful, these resources should not replace the consultation of a trained mental health professional when needed.
Please note that this toolkit is not a replacement for counseling. It is our hope that individuals and couples will use it as a resource along with counseling.
History of the Project
American Muslim communities are experiencing a rise in marital struggles and divorce at similar rates to their non-Muslim counterparts. However, Muslim families and couples face unique challenges as they navigate divorce, particularly stigma, shame, and lack of familial or community support. Guided by the principles of community-based participatory research (Wallerstein & Duran, 2010), we conducted a three-pronged needs assessment of the divorce process among American Muslim couples. First, we conducted a review of current research on divorce amongst both American-Muslim and other-religion families. This review provided information about the potential areas of conflict during the divorce process as well as ways to support struggling couples. Second, we interviewed individuals who were from diverse professional backgrounds (e.g., Marriage/Family Therapist, Imam, Social Worker), and served clients struggling with marriage or were divorced themselves. Finally, based on the findings from the literature review and interviews, an online survey was created and disseminated to the broader American Muslim community.
We received responses from about 387 American Muslims between October and December 2018. Demographically, our survey respondents were generally under 50 years of age (90%), mostly females (79%) and primarily Asians and Arabs (54% and 28%). We recognize that there are limitations to this dataset and the survey does not account for a reflective representation of Muslim Americans.
Findings from this three-pronged needs assessment were used to produce the current Toolkit which is meant to gather resources to support individuals and communities throughout the process of divorce.
This toolkit is for you if:
You are dealing with divorce yourself, at any stage–be it just in the beginning, in the midst of a divorce, post-divorce or even contemplating remarriage
You have a loved one (friend, sibling, etc.) you want to support You are a community leader who wants to learn how to support your congregants You are a mental health professional who is looking for resources for their clientsHow to use this toolkit:
This toolkit was built as a resource to guide you through the many stages of divorce. You can read the sections in order or navigate to the section that applies to your circumstance. You can also search for any topic within the toolkit.
If you are in a rocky relationship and are not sure how to move forward, check out the suggestions in Section 1. If you are already divorced and thinking about re-marriage, there are great resources for you in Section 4 of this toolkit. If you are looking for resources on how to manage finances, make a budget, or work through the reality of a new financial situation, check out Section 6.*Note: Divorce is not a linear process–it’s a transition from the beginning to the very end, and even many years after. You may find yourself moving in and out through different stages, even after you have obtained the divorce and that’s okay–be kind to yourself as you move through this transition.
Click on the section that most applies to you, or go through section by section for specific resources.
Section 1: Contemplating Divorce
Section 2: In the Midst of Divorce
Section 3: After a Divorce
Section 4: Considering Remarriage
Section 5: Later in Life Divorces
Section 6: Finances
Section 7: Providing Support to Loved Ones
Section 8: Additional Resources
Contemplating Getting a Divorce
If you are experiencing stress in your marriage, you may find yourself thinking about separation or even divorce. There are many important questions that you may be asking yourself as you are having this internal struggle. This section provides guidance and resources about how to navigate these questions and areas of concern. You will find the following subsections in this section: 1) Assess your marriage, 2) Leaning towards divorce, 3) Reconciling your relationship, 4) Conflict in your relationship, and, 5) Children.
Assess Your Marriage
Start with evaluating the state of your relationship to gain insight into positives and negatives of your relationship, and discover choices that you can make to either heal your relationship or end it:
Try completing marriage assessments which help you become aware of warning signs and really dig into your relationship. Even if your partner is not willing to take these, you can still take them yourself so you can get your own internal assessment of the state of your marriage
Use this quick and easy assessment inventory, which also comes with a free audiobook and workbook downloads that may also be helpful.
Take this marriage workability quiz and ask yourself these questions
Engage in muhasaba—or self-reflection to hold yourself accountable. As you evaluate your marriage, ask yourself:red time apart to help you heal your relationship.
“What is my role in this relationship?”
“What am I contributing to the conflict in this relationship?”
“How is my past impacting my interactions and experiences in this marriage?
Healing separation is another path you may consider as structured time apart to help you heal your relationship.
Structure through a healing agreement is essential for success.
Make sure you are on the same page about the goals and key elements of the arrangement
Discernment counseling is something couples can also consider. It usually leads to choosing one of three paths:
1. Maintaining the relationship as it is,
2. Getting a separation or divorce,
3. OR six months of couples therapy and a recommitment to making the marriage work
While it is not a replacement for counseling, reading through what a discernment counseling session looks like can help you think about the right questions.
Leaning Towards Divorce
Couples who are leaning towards divorce may be looking for “signs” that they should move forward with a divorce. There is never just one warning sign that signals divorce and signs can differ from person to person, and from situation to situation. Consider these resources if you are leaning towards divorce:
Consider these 36 actions if you are thinking about divorce
Loss of trust and no indication of change in behavior may be warning signs that divorce is the best path forward
Confusion during this time is normal–consider these topics to find clarity and a roadmap to make a decision
Consider these ideas when you are ready to tell your spouse you want a divorce
Recognize that your religious beliefs will impact how you think about divorce. Read this research summary to understand four specific themes related to how religion, spirituality, and a belief in God influence the divorce decision-making process.
You are not alone:
Read about the experiences of other Muslims and patterns of divorce in our communities
Understand and learn from the ISPU’s discussion guide on how North American Muslim communities and families manage divorce
If you are unsure as to what signs to look for, here are 5 Telltale Signs that it’s Time to Walk Away
Reconciling Your Relationship
Here are resources to help you navigate the process of reconciliation if that’s the right direction for you and your partner. Focus on building your relationship skills, communicating effectively, and engage in activities that enhance your connection. Here are some ideas about where to start:
Shifting away from the blame game and being attuned to each other emotionally are two of the 10 Things to Try Before Giving Up on Your Marriage from the Gottman Institute:
Create a roadmap for reconciliation
Make an action plan for going forward
Identify what went wrong
Evaluate your relationship: is it Sliding or Deciding?
Discuss needs and expectations
Staying on the same team
Try the 8-step rescue plan as you try to transition from conflict to repair. For example:
Make a list of all the issues you have disagreements about
Fix your focus solidly on yourself
Learn how to express concerns constructively
Learn how to make decisions cooperatively
Focus on the positive and share each others needs
Try these marriage exercises and activities that can help strengthen your relationship. Share them with your partner:
21 couples therapy worksheets, techniques, and activities
Do this “ITS” 2-minute activity daily
8 couples therapy exercises you can do at home
Get some more great ideas in the Courtship Roadmap for the Potential Couple section in our Marriage Prep Toolkit
Muslims are not immune to infidelity. If you want to make it work, try the Trust Revival Method to work through the affair
Consider these parenting strategies to protect your child as you work through marital conflict in your relationship
Read the ISPU’s community brief about how to promote healthy marriages in Muslim communities
Abuse in Your Relationship
Mistreatment in a relationship can take many forms and it can be difficult to accept that you are experiencing abuse. Words are powerful and finding the ability and strength to label your experience using the right words can be empowering and shift your perspective about what you are going through. If you aren’t sure if what you are experiencing is abuse, here is a useful assessment tool. Additionally, this section provides more resources on how to determine if you are experiencing mistreatment or abuse in your relationship, what to do about it, and how to ensure your safety.
If you fear for your safety or are in immediate danger, call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233.
It’s important to understand why it is so hard for victims of domestic violence to leave their abusers. Know the warning signs of domestic violence, even in Muslim communities:
Recognize the signs of emotional abuse and examples of what it looks like
“That’s not what happened–you’re exaggerating” – Learn about signs of gaslighting and how to deal with it
Learn about different kinds of unhealthy and abusive relationships
Learn some techniques for setting boundaries to respect your dignity and worth
Recognize that domestic abuse happens to men too:
Learn the signs of abuse by your female partner and how to protect yourself
Refer to this booklet to learn about why men stay in these relationships, and what to about it
Read this to know what steps you can take to get help and stop the abuse
Read and watch these resources to clear misconceptions about abuse in Islam:
If you are being abused, it is okay to speak up.
Understand the difference between patience (sabr) and suffering in silence
Waiting can often make it more difficult to leave
Know that Islam promotes justice and healthy relationships
Refer to these FAQs about Islam and abuse
Recognize when a partner who uses Quran, hadith, or other Islamic teachings to justify controlling behavior —and could be engaging in spiritual or religious abuse
Learn about the myths about sexual assault in the Muslim community
Understand the different forms of sexual abuse and violence
Read this power wheel about sexual violence in Muslim communities
Learn about how cultural and religious traditions can be misused in Muslim communities to silence victims and protect the perpetrator.
Check out the Peaceful Families Project’s directory of Muslim service providers who specialize in domestic violence.
Children
“But what about my kids?!” When thinking about divorce, considering the possible negative effects it may have on your children is likely one of the major issues you are struggling with. Here are some things to consider as you go through this process.
Think through issues such as children’s relationship with each parent, if they’ve experienced another grief recently, and their ability to cope with stress
Look through the eyes of your child–what do they see in your current home environment?
Think about if you can employ these parenting strategies to protect your child from your marital conflict
Consider how teens may uniquely be affected by divorce
Should you stay together for the kids? There are circumstances when divorce might benefit everyone. Here are some of the main points to consider:
How are children affected by chronic conflict? Toxic marriages may negatively affect children more so than an amicable divorce
Three key factors typically determine how well children adjust after divorce:
1. The relationship children have with each parent pre-divorce
2. How long and intense the chronic conflict has occurred
3. Parents being able to prioritize children’s needs during the divorce
Some positive outcomes for children after divorce include:
1. Children may become more resilient and adaptable
2. Children have more quality time with each parent, particularly fathers
3. Children have increased empathy for others who struggle
In the Midst of Divorce
As you move through a divorce, things can become mentally, physically, and emotionally chaotic. Walking away from a harmful relationship takes courage and strength–and is something outlined in our Deen if it’s the path to be taken. You are not alone–read about the experiences and patterns in our communities, as well as lessons from divorced Muslims as you reflect on your experience. With the support and resources in this section, you can try to mitigate some of the stressors in this process and lessen the negative impact on yourself and your family. You will find the following subsections in this section: 1) Self-care, 2) Interacting with your partner, and 3) Children.
*Note: Divorce is not a linear process—it’s a transition from the beginning to the very end, and even many years after. You may find yourself coming back to this section even after you have obtained the divorce and that’s okay–be kind to yourself as you move through this transition.
Self-Care
As you experience a change in your normal routines and lifestyle, you may be going through a wide range of emotions, from anger to anxiety. Engage in self-care throughout the entire process. Here are some things you can try:
Learn how to let go with love and cope with negative emotions
Recognize that you will be going through many different stages of divorce— understand these stages and the coping strategy you need to use in each stage Understand your emotions during this time so you can turn your anger into assertiveness and meet your needsAllow yourself to grieve over your relationship and cope in healthy ways
When things feel out of control, reclaim control over thoughts using an Islamic perspective
“Your Lord has not forsaken you” – learn how to cope with the trauma you are going through and how it may impact your faith
Focus on the four “Ms” of mental health – mindfulness, mastery, movement, and meaningful engagement.
Try mindful meditation— a prophetic tradition— which can helping you to reduce stress and anxiety.
If you like being outdoors, one of the best ways to cope with stress is actually gardening
Practice self-compassion and lean on supports in your life
Interacting with Your Partner
This section provides resources on how to maintain your safety and well-being while interacting with your soon-to-be ex-partner.
Understand the different kinds of divorces and processes that you can pursue to obtain a divorce
If it’s possible for you, consider a collaborative divorce, where spouses are empowered to come to an agreement using collaborative law attorneys, without the need of a judge or court system
Follow these guidelines for a collaborative end to your relationship
Try these Do’s and Don’ts for a friendly divorce with low-conflict
Know that each of you may be in different stages of divorce
Healthy communication with each other will be key for your family.
Using healthy communication skills and avoid common pitfalls
Try the BIFF model of communication: Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm
Think about how you communicate digitally, such as on social media and through text/email
Think about how you communicate digitally, such as on social media and through text/email
You may need to think about what to expect from an angry spouse such as accusations of abuse and reneging on verbal agreements
Be aware of these dirty tactics that your spouse may try and learn how to counter them
If applicable to you, learn how to navigate living together while divorcing
Refer to the “children” section below for co-parenting resources
You may be experiencing doubt or regret about leaving a hurtful relationship, likely projected on to you from others–was it really abusive? Should you have tried more? Maybe you could have been more patient? Refer to these resources to navigate these doubts about abusive relationships in Muslim communities:
Learn the warning signs of abuse, even in Muslim relationships
If you are being abused, it is okay to speak up
Understand the difference between patience (sabr) and suffering in silence
Waiting can often make it more difficult to leave
Know that Islam promotes justice and healthy relationships
Refer to these FAQs about Islam and abuse
Recognize when a partner who uses Quran, hadith, or other Islamic teachings to justify controlling behavior —and could be engaging in spiritual or religious abuse
Read this power wheel about sexual violence in Muslim communities
Learn about how cultural and religious traditions can be misused in Muslim communities to silence victims and protect the perpetrator.
If you are working on your way out of an abusive relationship, refer to these resources to ensure your safety and well-being:
Prepare your path to safety by creating a safety plan about when and how to leave
Use this checklist of essentials to take with you when trying to leave
Consider these factors specific to when it’s time to leave and how to get out of your home safely
Prepare accordingly if you have a court protection order
If you are worried about your safety after leaving an abusive relationship, read these tips on what you can do to protect yourself and/or your children
If you fear for your safety or are in immediate danger, call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233.
Children
Informing your child about the divorce can be a daunting task.
Keep their age in mind when thinking about how to talk to themabout it, what behaviors to watch for and how to help them with the transition
Consider these talking points and reactions for younger children
Learn about the unique ways your teenage children may be impacted
Follow these 7 tips for communicating about the divorce:
If possible, talk to your children about the divorce with the other parent.
Be honest in answering questions
Let your children know what life will be like after the divorce
Emphasize that the divorce is final
Reassure your kids
Be available
Communicate stability, but don’t be afraid to show emotion
Watch this video to help you understand what children go through in a divorce
Try these children’s books about divorce and separation
Helping your children cope will be a priority during this time to build their resilience
Use these 7 strategies to help them grieve and move forward
Use this checklist to create a stable home environment for your children
Make the transition easier by reassuring your love for them and encourage open and honest conversation about their feelings, among other things
Read about the unique ways you can help your teenage child cope and adjust
Work on your own resilience so that you can build resilience in your children
Reduce conflict with your partner for your children’s sake during the process:
Utilize these parenting strategies to protect your child from conflict in your marital relationship during the divorce process
Set boundaries with the other parent to reduce conflict
Try this worksheet and this plan about parenting times, events, communication, and decision making
If you realize you cannot co-parent successfully, consider parallel parenting
Read about the Islamic rulings on parent access to children and visitation rights
Check out the infographics in this section for more pointers
After a Divorce
Finally getting through a divorce may leave you navigating many emotions, from anxiety about what’s to come to sadness over what’s been lost to even joy at breaking away from a negative situation. Healthy coping strategies and reliance on Allah (swt) can help you come out of this process and move forward with positivity. Refer to this section for how to navigate stressors you may be facing after divorce. You will find the following subsections in this section: 1) Coping with the breakup, 2) Recovery, and 3) Children.
*Note: Divorce is not a linear process–it’s a transition from the beginning to the very end, and even many years after. You may find yourself coming back to this section even after you have obtained the divorce and that’s okay–be kind to yourself as you move through this transition.
Coping with the Breakup
Allow yourself to grieve over your relationship and cope in healthy ways. Recognize that you will be going through many different stages of divorce— understand these stages and the coping strategy you need to use in each stage. Choose to cope in healthy ways and care for yourself emotionally and physically.
Engage in these steps to cope with an affair and a divorce
“Your Lord has not forsaken you” – learn how to cope with the trauma you’ve been through and how it can impact your faith
Let go of the shame associated with divorce
Try the strategies to cope with the stress post-divorce:
Share in the responsibility
Recognize emotional immaturity and protect your emotional space
Seek support and know how to ask others for help
Prepare your divorce elevator speech for those you want to tell
Practice self-compassion
Learn how to acclimate to your new reality without your ex-spouse
Set healthy boundaries with your ex-spouse
Try these 6 steps to unearth yourself and explore “Who am I now?”
Identity crisis affects both men and women after a divorce
Try the Conscious Coupling Process to create a more compassionate breakup process
Know that Allah (SWT) will bring ease for you after this hardship. “Verily, Along with Every Hardship is Ease” (Quran, 94:6). You can sieze this moment and learn more about how you can thrive after a divorce.
Focus on the four “Ms” of mental health – mindfulness, mastery, movement and meaningful engagement
A prophetic tradition, this simple habit of mindful meditation can allow you to be present with yourself both in mind and body, helping you to reduce your anxiety
Consider the power of forgiveness or at least acceptance in helping you heal
Take these 14 considerations into account when thinking about forgiveness
Yasmin Mogahed gives insight on healing a broken heart
Use your ‘iddah (waiting period) as your “me” time from Allah (swt) and a stepping stone to your new life
Reframe your alone-ness as a tool for reflection, honesty and connection with Allah (SWT)
You are not alone in this experience. Read about the causes and lessons from divorced Muslims as you reflect on your experience
Recovery
Recovering from a hurtful and abusive relationship takes time and healing. Check out these resources to help you navigate this specific journey:
Recognize that you will have a lot of unlearning and rebuilding to do after you leave an unhealthy relationship
Try these 5 self-care tips such as positive affirmations and channeling the pain into creativity
Consider these tips to help you emotionally recover from an abusive relationship
Consider the power of forgiveness when you are ready, not to excuse the abuser but rather, to work on letting go of your anger, resentment, and thoughts of revenge so that you can prioritize your own healing
Heal from gaslighting and learn how to trust yourself again
Children
Recognize that divorce can have negative effects on your children. The resources below offer information about how to help your children cope.
Get the facts on common misconceptions about divorcing with children
Watch this video to help you understand what children go through in a divorce
Know that a high-conflict divorce has negative effects on children
Manage the effects of divorce on kids by paying attention to changes in their behaviors
Your teen still needs you during this transition–learn how to help them adjust
Learn how to meet the rights of children, such as their right to living in a conflict-free zone and to love each parent
The home environment and how you parent with your ex are two key factors in building resilience in your children and protecting them from the negative effects of divorce:
Engage in healthy co-parenting with an ex by using a collaborative and cooperative approach:
Use empathy and your child’s perspective
Set clear boundaries and maintain structure
Relinquish control and accept what’s happening
Maintain your values and live from integrity
Consider these dos and dont’s for forgiveness and transforming your co-parenting relationship
Quality time with fathers post-divorce can redefine the father-child relationship
Use this checklist to create a stable home environment for your children
Follow these 7 rules to protect your children from marital conflict
Set boundaries with the other parent to reduce conflict
Try this parenting plan worksheet and this plan to outline parenting times, events, communication, and decision making.
If you realize you cannot co-parent successfully, consider parallel parenting
Here are some activity ideas to enhance the parent-child relationship in a divorce
Check out this list of kids books about divorce
Considering Remarriage
“I think I’m ready to remarry.”
Being open to remarriage happens over time, and comes with unique challenges compared to the first marriage. Use this section to equip yourself with the tools that lead to a successful second marriage and learn how to work on issues connected to a shaky second marriage. You will find the following subsections in this section: 1) Readiness, 2) Rules for a successful second marriage, and 3) Healing from your previous relationship, 4) Children and step-parenting, and 5) Additional resources.
Readiness
Ask yourself these questions:
“What’s motivating my desire to get married?”
“Have I given myself enough time?”
“Have we battled a storm together?”
“What’s your relationship like with their ex or children?”
“Are our finances compatible?”
“Am I ready to be married again?”
“Do I feel so lonely and desperate that I’m totally miserable without a relationship?”
The above questions are from theknot.com. You can also try this ready to remarry checklist for additional questions.
Rules for a Successful Second Marriage
Build a culture of appreciation, respect, and tolerance
Practice being vulnerable in small steps
Create time and a relaxed atmosphere to interact with your partner
Discuss expectations to avoid misunderstandings
Prepare for conflict
Communicate effectively
Embrace your role as a stepparent (more on this below)
Emotionally attune to your partner
Establish an open-ended dialogue
Practice forgiveness which is one of the fundamentals of marriage
These 10 Rules are from Gottman.com
Heal from Your Previous Relationship
Learn to love again after emotional abuse by trying these strategies
Uncover if you have trauma from your past relationship
Recognize that past trauma can be triggered in your current relationship and learn how to cope with it
Conflict can be triggering–accept that it’s a normal part of a relationship that can be managed
Consider the power of forgiveness or at least acceptance in helping you heal and take these 14 considerations into account
Bill of rights for survivors of domestic violence entering new relationships
Children and Step-Parenting
Create a healthy faith-based blended family in your new marriage. It may seem counterintuitive but prioritizing your new spouse and establishing your marital relationship as the foundation of your blended family is what kids need:
Think through these unique challenges facing a blended family before you remarry
Follow these fundamental tips for success in your step-family
Understand the role of a step-parent and the relationships he/she has to navigate:
Relationship with your step-child
Relationship with your spouse regarding the child
Relationship with your spouse’s ex-husband or ex-wife
Use these guidelines about factors that impact being a step-parent and steps to great step-parenting
Increase healthy communication by asking your spouse these 9 questions about his/her kids
Learn the basics and rewards of how to be a step-parent, and how to ensure it goes smoothly
Recognize the impact a second marriage has on children and how to create the best situation for them:
Children can experience mixed feelings, sense of loss, and have trouble adapting to new things when you remarry
The ability of children to adjust depends on their age
Consider these strategies unique to step-parenting a teen
Children also face challenges such as:
Relationship between child and stepparent
Relationship between child and stepsiblings
Visitation and parenting plans
Grief and loss after divorce
Here’s how you can create the best circumstances for your children when remarrying and blending your families
Let children know how important they are and how much you love them
Don’t “compensate” for this rough time by spoiling your child
Become a “kindly neighbor” to your stepchildren – get to know them
Discipline does not mean anger
Don’t favor your child; don’t favor your stepchild
The key is patience
Consider therapy for emotional difficulties
Be inspired to have a healthy relationship with your ex by these 5 divorced fathers
Additional Resources:
National Step-Family Resource Center
You’re not damaged goods, we have damaged standards
When your ex has someone new
Later in Life Divorces
“Your marriage is ending as your kids are leaving the house.”
Although divorce among couples over the age of 50 is still not as prevalent as for those under 50, it is rising and becoming a concern in our communities. Divorce in later-life comes with its own set of stigma and challenges but can end with good outcomes. Refer to this section for resources on navigating later-life divorces. You will find the following subsections in this section: 1) Resources for “gray” divorce and 2) Resources for adult children of divorced/divorcing parents.
Resources for “Gray” Divorce
Learn these 7 key facts about divorce after long marriages
Look out for these emotional issues and how to cope
Avoid these 10 financial mistakes
You may be going through an identity crisis after the divorce – use this time as a chance to discover a new you!
Resources for Adult Children of Divorced/Divorcing Parents
Navigating your parents’ divorce as an adult child in a unique experience. Although you have strengths that work in your favor than those who experience divorce in childhood, there are negative aspects to the experience as well. With the resources listed below, and trust in Allah’s (SWT) will, you can rise above all the turmoil and find tranquility.
Consider these 5 things you may face as an adult child of divorce
Try these tips to cope with the emotional toll of your parents’ divorce
Rely on these 5 strategies to help you get through your parents’ divorce
Acknowledge your feelings no matter what they may be
Set firm boundaries as your parents lean on you for support
Seek help for yourself
Prioritize self-care as you try to “parent your parents”
Be kind to yourself and engage in self-compassion
Finances
“How will a divorce impact my financial situation?!”
Financial stability is important for mental health and is a legitimate concern during the divorce process. Consider the following financial issues anytime throughout the process of divorce and even years later. You will find the following subsections in this section: 1) Educate yourself, 2) Refine your financial skills, and 3) Protect yourself.
Educate Yourself
Learn about the Islamic perspective on finances within a marriage
Be aware of the various things that impact how much a divorce can end up costing
Educate yourself on the process judges use to determine spousal support if you are going through the legal system
Learn how marital debts are split in U.S. courts
As a man, consider these 11 financial matters
Refine Your Financial Skills
Here is how to do a basic budget for your household
Learn how to declutter your financial life
Try to adopt these 9 stress-reducing truths about money
Ready your finances for divorce by tracking expenses and organizing your financial documents and records
Learn how to make a post-divorce budget and survive financially
Try this financial checklist for your remarriage
Consider how remarriage impacts child support
Protect Yourself
Know your financial rights in a divorce and how to protect your assets
Use these 5 strategies to save money on divorce attorney costs
Know how to protect yourself financially as a woman and avoid these pitfalls
Providing Support to Loved Ones
Your support during difficult times can mean the world to a friend or family member who is going through a divorce. It’s important to know what not to say to someone going through a divorce and why not to say it as you try to find the words to comfort those you love. Check out the resources below. There are also good resources in Section 4 of this toolkit. You will find the following subsections in this section: 1) General divorce support resources, 2) If you are married or marrying a divorcee, use these resources, 3) If your spouse is a survivor of abuse, use these resources, 4) Responding to abuse – resources for family members, friends and community leaders, and 5) Resources for reducing stigma around domestic violence.
General Divorce Support Resources
Learn how to comfort appropriately
How to support a friend
21 ways to show up for and support a friend going through divorce
If you are married to or marrying a divorcee, use these resources
Consider pros and cons that may exist in being with someone who is divorced
Create healthy a interpersonal communication style using these 10 rules
Recognize that your spouse may be triggered by trauma from his/her previous marriage and learn how to cope with it
Conflict in your relationship can be triggering for your partner–accept that it’s a normal part of a relationship that can be managed
Your partner may be experiencing mistrust – read this to learn more about what they may be feeling
Emotionally attune to your partner
If your spouse is a survivor of abuse, use these resources
Help your partner heal from relationship abuse
Try these 10 suggestions for partners of survivors
Consider these bill of rights for survivors of domestic violence and what they hope to expect from you in this new relationship
Responding to Abuse – Resources for family members, friends and community leaders
Respond with RAHMA when someone discloses abuse to you
Acknowledge that men experience abuse too and need support
Do not engage in victim-blaming which places the victim in greater danger and decreases the chance that he/she will reach out for help in the future:
“She must have provoked him” and other examples of victim blaming – know what it looks like
Understand why victim-blaming is so common
Here are 5 things you can do to support survivors of sexual assault
Here is what you should do if you encounter domestic violence
Understand why domestic violence victims don’t leave
Resources for Reducing Stigma around Domestic Violence
Educate yourself on the reality of domestic violence in the Muslim community and share this with others
Listen to Muslim survivors of domestic violence
Read and share stories about the unique challenges that immigrant Muslim women and African American Muslim women face
Consider these 15 actions you can take as a religious or community leader about domestic violence
Educate yourself on the Islamic Marriage Contract using this guide created by Faith Trust Institute
Additional Resources
You will find the following subsections in this section: 1) Additional readings, 2) Support groups, and 3) Organizations.
Additional Readings
Protecting Kids from Divorce Tug of Wars: 10 Golden Rules
Focus on the Family articles about divorce and marriage
Online class – Redefining the D-Word: 5 shifts to make peace with your divorce, recover your confidence, and live your best year ever
Support Groups
Support Group | Web Address | Description |
Nasiha Counseling Treatment Center | https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups/support-group-for-divorced-muslim-women/35702 | Support group for divorced Muslim women |
Wasilah Connections | https://wasilahconnect.org/event/ | Wasilah Connections aims to be a social service organization that will create and support individuals by providing holistic support to the challenges people face. They provide divorce support groups regularly. |
Islamic Society of Greater Houston | https://isgh.org/support/ | Support group for Muslims whose marriages have ended. You will find welcoming and supportive people who have shared similar experiences. Facilitators will guide the group to discuss important issues surrounding divorce. |
Muslim Women’s Alliance | https://mwachicago.org/ | Dedicated to empowering Muslim women and girls. MWA’s core focus areas are the development of leaders, fostering community service, mentoring women, and empowering the community through social justice awareness and action. |
Organizations
Organization Name | Web Address | Description |
The Faith Trust Institute | https://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/ | A national, multifaith, multicultural training, and education organization with global reach working to end sexual and domestic violence. |
The Khalil Center | https://khalilcenter.com/counselingtherapy/ | Provides counseling and therapy services. Has web therapy sessions available. Discounted fees based on income, financial assistance, and insurance coverage. |
Peaceful Families Project | https://www.peacefulfamilies.org/ | Programming includes prevention and intervention and addresses domestic violence among Muslim families and communities through collaboration with imams, community leaders and members, social service professionals, activists, educators, legal providers, and youth leaders. |
Turning Point for Women and Families | http://tpny.org | Provides direct services like free counseling, crisis intervention, support groups, and advocacy & referral services for women/children affected by domestic violence that are culturally and religiously sensitive. |
In Shaykh’s Clothing | https://inshaykhsclothing.com | A resource website for spiritual abuse in the Muslim community. They discuss the phenomenon of spiritual abuse, help those directly affected, and work on prevention by providing education, training, and policies. |
Heart Women and Girls | http://heartwomenandgirls.org | Empowers faith-based communities to address sexual violence and improve sexual health literacy. They ensure that all Muslims have the resources, language, and choice to nurture sexual health and confront sexual violence. Their work is culturally-sensitive and developmentally appropriate for the audiences that they serve. |
Wellness Through Counseling | https://www.wellnessthroughcounseling.com | Culturally sensitive therapy and counseling services. Provides individual psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and family therapy. |
National Stepfamily Resource Center | https://www.stepfamilies.info/ | Focuses on the dissemination of research-based resources for stepfamilies and professionals who work with them. |